My biggest fear

I’m not afraid of much. I don’t mind spiders at all. In my house I am the re-locater. I move most of the litter buggers to their new and much safer home outside. I love snakes and will hold the cute buggers most any chance I get. Don’t mind frogs and will kiss one right on the mouth on a dare.  I’ve pretty much outgrown my childhood fear of the dark and even slept with a pillow on my head for years to get over my claustrophobia, but over the last six years I have developed a deep dark fear. It haunts me everywhere I go and it’s inescapable.  I am terrified of scents. I’m not even sure of all the scents I’m scared of. I know for sure I’m afraid of most perfume. Chanel or Windsong it makes no difference. They are like a knife to the head. There are also common house cleaners like dishwashing detergent, fabric softener, air fresheners that can bring me to my knees. Those make an awesome excuse to get out of cleaning the house but I hate having a dirty house so it’s kind of a win lose for me there.  Unfortunately not every scent that I fear is manufactured. The smell of a lemon tree will bring tears to my eyes. I discovered this at my dads house but never had the heart to tell them that the beautiful plant they had would kill me on occasion.  Do you know that the flower of a lemon tree actually smells kind of like an orange? It’s very sweet. But I digress.

I wasn’t always terrified of smell. Like I said, it all started six years ago. Six years ago I got West Nile Virus. Six years ago my life changed forever. Well maybe not forever. I could be being wildly over-dramatic. Maybe this will end someday and I will once again be normal. I certainly hope so because I did not want super spidey smell senses and I want them to go away. But for now I have it and for now I am scared of you and what you smell like. Every time I leave my house it’s like a roll of the dice for me. This is very hard for people to understand. Even people that suffer migraines do not get this. I don’t think I suffer from what you would call a typical migraine. When I see the commercial for Exedrine migraine and they say that it’s the number one doctor recommended migraine medication I want to throw my shoe through the TV set. More than that. I want my television to explode. I want to hurt the voiceover artist and I know they are just a SAG actor trying to make a buck. I don’t care. It pisses me off. Excedrine migraine is like sugar pills for me. It’s a joke. I don’t think my neurologist gets it. She keeps saying “But the medicine is helping a little right?” No, the medicine is not helping, not even a little. The preventative is not preventing anything and the rescue medication is a crap shoot at best. So sorry but it’s fail. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but it’s not working, I just don’t fit the headache mold. ANY headache mold apparently.

The other day was a beautiful sunny day. Those are few and far between here in Seattle in early Spring and  I don’t usually pay for a car wash because I have four healthy children and that is their job but I thought what the heck, my car is filthy and I’ve got a little time, I think I’ll get my car washed. Well I pulled my car through the brushless car wash and as I pulled out the scent of the soap wafted in through my vents. My head exploded in pain. Tears streamed down my face. I rolled down my windows thinking “Great, now they’re gonna be all streaked!” and blasted the heat hoping to get rid of the smell but for a full thirty minutes while I had to run errands my car was a pain capsule. I made a mental note to NEVER go back to that car wash again and was left having to decide if I should try a rescue medicine and have my blood pressure shoot up or just take a couple of pain pills and some nausea medicine, crawl into bed and call it a day.

Today I went to a new doctor. My cardiologist sent me to a pulmonologist to see if maybe my snoring is part of my headache problem and in turn part of my blood pressure and heart rate problems I’ve been having. As the very nice Dr.’s assistant called my name I started back through the door and was hit with a wave of scent. It was like a bat to the back of my head. I stopped dead. He gave me a funny look and me not wanting to be rude took a breath through my mouth and tried to stop the tears welling up in my eyes. He took my weight and I tried to hold my breath. He walked me to the examine room and I continued breathing through my mouth but the smell was still coming through and the tears were now welling up and starting to fall. I was trying to wipe them away as he took my pulse and blood pressure. He told me my blood pressure was kind of high and asked if anything was wrong. “Yes, I said. I suffer from migraines and your cologne is hurting me a lot. It’s very painful and that is probably what is raising my blood pressure. I’m sorry.  I don’t mean to make you feel bad.” I really didn’t mean to make him feel bad. By now the tears were freely falling and the pain was intense. He was very apologetic and asked if I wanted him to open the door and leave it open to air out the room. I told him that would be nice and continued to breathe through my mouth for the rest of the time I was there. He didn’t come back. I’m sure he felt terrible. I’m sure he’ll remember that tomorrow when he gets ready for work. But I don’t know if he’ll change. I know most people don’t.

I worked with a woman that knew how bad my migraines were and she continued to wear her fragrance so strong I could smell her from I’m not kidding you at least 30 feet away no wind factor. I can smell pleasant smells from far away too. I can smell an Italian restaurant before anyone else so I can come in really handy when looking for a place to eat. I can’t however tell you if it’s going to be good so you may still want to stick with your apps for that. Grocery stores can be a combination of heaven and hell for me so I avoid them on the worst of my days. Some aisles are awesome like the bakery is fan-freaking-tastic and the deli is always quite pleasant but I will practically run past the household cleaners and personal care aisles. Those SUCK.

It’s frustrating to be the freak that smells EVERYTHING. You will rarely see me with painted nails and I almost never use hair spray. Not because I don’t want to folks. I can’t.  When I go to the doctor I shouldn’t have to tell the nurse or doctor that the soap or cologne or perfume they use hurts my head. You shouldn’t have to tell them that. They should know that. They should be sensitive to that. Again, I digress. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, you stink. Not you per se, but everyone.

I remember when I first got out of the hospital and went back to church. I looked normal enough. I took my kids to church and a very nice woman was dropping off her kids at the kid church at the same time I was dropping off mine. She just happened to be wearing perfume. I collapsed. Like a paper doll sprayed with a hose. That’s what happens to me. I’m not acting that way for effect. That’s not an attention getter or bat poop crazy thing I do for attention. Nope, that’s my bodies reaction to scent. It’s not quite that bad anymore thank God but it still hurts and can still physically knock me down. It’s taken me out at work. It’s taken me down for days at a time, and it’s not a constant. I never know if today it’s going to be a bad smell day of not. Some days your vanilla scented perfume is not going to hurt me one little bit. Some days it’s going to be like a hatchet to the back of my head.

Lately I’ve had a headache every day. Yes, I said every day. For two months. I’ve been begging off invites to see my friends play. I’ve been missing jams. I’ve been hobbling through my own gigs. Missing school functions for my kids. I’m exhausted and I think my doctors are tired of me. I’M tired of me. My medicine doesn’t work. I don’t know what to do. So I’m scratching my head and trying to start from scratch.

I could start getting very technical and start telling you all my theories and plans for how I plan to attack this and get started on getting back to recovering again but that is all quite boring I’m sure. Really I am just writing this for two reasons. One, because it’s cathartic for me to put this on paper (or on cyberspace) and two, because I think it’s good for people to understand that there are people that look normal out there that have weird and debilitating illnesses that really mess with our lives. We fight them behind the scenes and it can be very frustrating to look like a normal person trapped in an abnormal body.

One more thing in closing I guess I will throw out there. I don't get out a lot lately but If you do see me and you happen to be wearing fragrance, it might be best just to wave. Thanks!

I will never know what it is like to be a lesbian woman or a gay man. I was born a heterosexual. I do know however what it is like to get a phone call telling you that your best friend, who is gay, is in a coma. She didn't believe that the world would ever accept her the way she is. She didn't think that she could spend another day in a world that didn't want her or people like her in it. I knew I was the last person she spoke to. I thought she was drunk. I wondered if there was anything I could have done differently. I prayed she wouldn't die. I was mad at her. I was mad at the rest of the world. That was almost 30 years ago. Things are finally starting to change and it's been a long time coming.

I have spent a lot of time lately wondering if what I have to say will matter to anyone but me. I wonder if what I have to say needs to be said. I think the fact that it has weighed so heavy on my mind means that it does need to be said and so I have decided to create a blog. Oh my, I have become a blogger!

I am not an eloquent speaker and I am not a writer. I was talking to my sister today when I told her that I don't make political posts on my Facebook page. But today I put an equality sign on my page. The reason is not because I'm making a political statement. It is not. I don't believe human rights are republican or democrat. I don't believe they are conservative or liberal. Human rights are just that. Human. Humanity. I made a human statement. I said that I believe that all men are created equal. Even if they are different than me. Even when I don't understand them. I do not have to fear what I do not understand. And neither do you.

A loving couple that wants to commit to each other in marriage is not going to affect your marriage any more than any other marriage will affect your marriage. I honestly cannot understand that argument at all. How can someone else's marriage affect yours? Does the neighbor that beats his wife make you beat yours? Does the woman down the street that attends every school function and bakes cookies daily make you super mom too? Or are you just afraid of having to have an uncomfortable conversation with your children? I can respect that. We all dread having to have those conversations with our kids. But just because something is uncomfortable does not make it wrong. Homosexuality has been around since the beginning of time. I am no less uncomfortable having to talk about ANY kind of sex with my kids. Alas, the sex talk has to come and it's going to come from me.

Then there is a the ridiculous recruitment argument I keep hearing. They're trying to recruit our kids! Well I will tell you. My best friend in grade school is a lesbian. My best friend in high school is a lesbian and my first roommate in LA is a lesbian and yet I am a heterosexual married mother of four children. If gays are all "recruiters" then they are woefully poor at it.

I'll be the first to admit that I am no bible scholar. I cannot quote scripture to save my life. I do however pray. I pray a lot. I believe in Jesus and I believe in his teachings and I believe when he said that the most important thing we can do is to love each other. Everything else is secondary.

I know that some people will say that they love them by saving them from their sin but to that I say bull! Should I come to your home and "save you" from your sin when you sin. I'm sure you are sinning all the time. But of course your sin is different. Better maybe. Or just not anything anyone can see so you can keep it hidden. I swear I have left so many churches because I go to church with people who have no sin. I just don't want to attend a church with the sinless. One more thing along these lines. My southern is going to come out here. Y'all are going to have to get over the sex thing. This is NOT ABOUT SEX. This is about love, commitment and family. Try for a second to wrap your head around that. If you've been married for a long time it might be a little easier. Yes there is a physical attraction to the same sex but beyond that the love and commitment is just like your marriage. If you are having a hard time getting past the sex part just think about all the mundane boring parts of marriage; the bill paying, laundry, grocery shopping, housework, etc...and that's gay marriage. Viola!

I hope that my children will never get a call saying that their friend tried to kill themselves because the world can't accept who they were born to be. I know my kids know that I will love them no matter who they are. I certainly hope the world catches up to that idea.

We are fighting a civil rights movement folks. We need to be on the right side of history. This is really important. Lives are at stake. The world is watching and if we aren't the ones to make the change, who will?