I’m not afraid of much. I don’t
mind spiders at all. In my house I am the re-locater. I move most of the litter
buggers to their new and much safer home outside. I love snakes and will hold
the cute buggers most any chance I get. Don’t mind frogs and will kiss one
right on the mouth on a dare. I’ve
pretty much outgrown my childhood fear of the dark and even slept with a pillow
on my head for years to get over my claustrophobia, but over the last six years
I have developed a deep dark fear. It haunts me everywhere I go and it’s
inescapable. I am terrified of scents.
I’m not even sure of all the scents I’m scared of. I know for sure I’m afraid
of most perfume. Chanel or Windsong it makes no difference. They are like a
knife to the head. There are also common house cleaners like dishwashing
detergent, fabric softener, air fresheners that can bring me to my knees. Those
make an awesome excuse to get out of cleaning the house but I hate having a
dirty house so it’s kind of a win lose for me there. Unfortunately not every scent that I fear is
manufactured. The smell of a lemon tree will bring tears to my eyes. I
discovered this at my dads house but never had the heart to tell them that the
beautiful plant they had would kill me on occasion. Do you know that the flower of a lemon tree
actually smells kind of like an orange? It’s very sweet. But I digress.
I wasn’t always terrified of
smell. Like I said, it all started six years ago. Six years ago I got West Nile
Virus. Six years ago my life changed forever. Well maybe not forever. I could
be being wildly over-dramatic. Maybe this will end someday and I will once
again be normal. I certainly hope so because I did not want super spidey smell
senses and I want them to go away. But for now I have it and for now I am
scared of you and what you smell like. Every time I leave my house it’s like a
roll of the dice for me. This is very hard for people to understand. Even
people that suffer migraines do not get this. I don’t think I suffer from what
you would call a typical migraine. When I see the commercial for Exedrine
migraine and they say that it’s the number one doctor recommended migraine
medication I want to throw my shoe through the TV set. More than that. I want
my television to explode. I want to hurt the voiceover artist and I know they
are just a SAG actor trying to make a buck. I don’t care. It pisses me off. Excedrine
migraine is like sugar pills for me. It’s a joke. I don’t think my neurologist
gets it. She keeps saying “But the medicine is helping a little right?” No, the
medicine is not helping, not even a little. The preventative is not preventing
anything and the rescue medication is a crap shoot at best. So sorry but it’s
fail. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but it’s not working, I just don’t
fit the headache mold. ANY headache mold apparently.
The other day was a beautiful
sunny day. Those are few and far between here in Seattle in early Spring and I don’t usually pay for a car wash because I
have four healthy children and that is their job but I thought what the heck,
my car is filthy and I’ve got a little time, I think I’ll get my car washed.
Well I pulled my car through the brushless car wash and as I pulled out the
scent of the soap wafted in through my vents. My head exploded in pain. Tears
streamed down my face. I rolled down my windows thinking “Great, now they’re
gonna be all streaked!” and blasted the heat hoping to get rid of the smell but
for a full thirty minutes while I had to run errands my car was a pain capsule.
I made a mental note to NEVER go back to that car wash again and was left
having to decide if I should try a rescue medicine and have my blood pressure
shoot up or just take a couple of pain pills and some nausea medicine, crawl
into bed and call it a day.
Today I went to a new doctor. My
cardiologist sent me to a pulmonologist to see if maybe my snoring is part of
my headache problem and in turn part of my blood pressure and heart rate
problems I’ve been having. As the very nice Dr.’s assistant called my name I
started back through the door and was hit with a wave of scent. It was like a
bat to the back of my head. I stopped dead. He gave me a funny look and me not
wanting to be rude took a breath through my mouth and tried to stop the tears
welling up in my eyes. He took my weight and I tried to hold my breath. He
walked me to the examine room and I continued breathing through my mouth but
the smell was still coming through and the tears were now welling up and
starting to fall. I was trying to wipe them away as he took my pulse and blood
pressure. He told me my blood pressure was kind of high and asked if anything
was wrong. “Yes, I said. I suffer from migraines and your cologne is hurting me
a lot. It’s very painful and that is probably what is raising my blood
pressure. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make
you feel bad.” I really didn’t mean to make him feel bad. By now the tears were
freely falling and the pain was intense. He was very apologetic and asked if I
wanted him to open the door and leave it open to air out the room. I told him that
would be nice and continued to breathe through my mouth for the rest of the
time I was there. He didn’t come back. I’m sure he felt terrible. I’m sure he’ll
remember that tomorrow when he gets ready for work. But I don’t know if he’ll
change. I know most people don’t.
I worked with a woman that knew
how bad my migraines were and she continued to wear her fragrance so strong I
could smell her from I’m not kidding you at least 30 feet away no wind factor.
I can smell pleasant smells from far away too. I can smell an Italian
restaurant before anyone else so I can come in really handy when looking for a
place to eat. I can’t however tell you if it’s going to be good so you may
still want to stick with your apps for that. Grocery stores can be a
combination of heaven and hell for me so I avoid them on the worst of my days.
Some aisles are awesome like the bakery is fan-freaking-tastic and the deli is
always quite pleasant but I will practically run past the household cleaners
and personal care aisles. Those SUCK.
It’s frustrating to be the freak
that smells EVERYTHING. You will rarely see me with painted nails and I almost
never use hair spray. Not because I don’t want to folks. I can’t. When I go to the doctor I shouldn’t have to
tell the nurse or doctor that the soap or cologne or perfume they use hurts my
head. You shouldn’t have to tell them that. They should know that. They should
be sensitive to that. Again, I digress. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, you
stink. Not you per se, but everyone.
I remember when I first got out
of the hospital and went back to church. I looked normal enough. I took my kids
to church and a very nice woman was dropping off her kids at the kid church at
the same time I was dropping off mine. She just happened to be wearing perfume.
I collapsed. Like a paper doll sprayed with a hose. That’s what happens to me.
I’m not acting that way for effect. That’s not an attention getter or bat poop
crazy thing I do for attention. Nope, that’s my bodies reaction to scent. It’s
not quite that bad anymore thank God but it still hurts and can still
physically knock me down. It’s taken me out at work. It’s taken me down for
days at a time, and it’s not a constant. I never know if today it’s going to be
a bad smell day of not. Some days your vanilla scented perfume is not going to
hurt me one little bit. Some days it’s going to be like a hatchet to the back
of my head.
Lately I’ve had a headache every
day. Yes, I said every day. For two months. I’ve been begging off invites to
see my friends play. I’ve been missing jams. I’ve been hobbling through my own
gigs. Missing school functions for my kids. I’m exhausted and I think my
doctors are tired of me. I’M tired of me. My medicine doesn’t work. I don’t
know what to do. So I’m scratching my head and trying to start from scratch.
I could start getting very
technical and start telling you all my theories and plans for how I plan to
attack this and get started on getting back to recovering again but that is all
quite boring I’m sure. Really I am just writing this for two reasons. One,
because it’s cathartic for me to put this on paper (or on cyberspace) and two, because
I think it’s good for people to understand that there are people that look
normal out there that have weird and debilitating illnesses that really mess
with our lives. We fight them behind the scenes and it can be very frustrating
to look like a normal person trapped in an abnormal body.
One more thing in closing I guess
I will throw out there. I don't get out a lot lately but If you do see me and you happen to be wearing fragrance,
it might be best just to wave. Thanks!
